Liberation: Breaking The Chains To Survival And Freedom.
“I turned to my son, holding him close to me for as long as he’d let me. Once I put him down for his morning nap, I found myself staring at all of his features: his tiny hands and fingers . . . his miniature nose . . . his small lips that were twitching from his dream. I caressed his cheeks, telling him how much I loved him, and then I burst into an uncontrollable fury of tears that I couldn’t stop.
Looking up I screamed in a whisper, ‘Why? Why is this happening? He doesn’t even know who I am! He doesn’t know who his mother is! It’s not fair! How is any of this fair!
Collapsing onto the floor, I grabbed my legs, crying into my knees. Being in that position, the pressure from the tumour against my throat was overwhelmingly constrictive, to the point of strangling me, but I didn’t care. Seething with rage, I cried and screamed hysterically into my knees. Is this it? Am I going to die? I’m thirty years old! Is this really how it ends? My life as I knew it was crumbling around me.
All I could see were the vivid images of Paul and our girls in my head. Our wedding day surrounded by my family. My baby boy in my womb as we said our vows to each other, as we promised each other forever. Was I really going to break that promise now?
I cried harder as I pulled myself up and looked at my son. He was so peaceful, sleeping and dreaming. What a beautiful baby boy I had.What a beautiful family we had created. And what for? To be torn apart and broken? To be taken away from them? From me? No! NO! This can’t be happening.This has to be a dream! How can any of this be real?
I was inconsolable. I bent over the cot, still looking at my son. I lost track of time as I thought about everything. My life. My parents. How would they cope with losing their daughter? It would kill them to watch me deteriorate.To watch cancer take my last breath.
Were my children really going to be left without a mother? Was I going to miss out on watching my children grow and celebrate their birthdays? See who they become when they’re older. Who will be there to wipe their tears and catch them when they fall? I gave them life! I’m supposed to be beside them, every step of their lives! My tears fell in streams.
My hopes and dreams about being a part of their lives until we are all old and grey, holding them in my arms for as long as life would allow me. Were those dreams going to be shattered and taken away from all of us? Was I going to become just a faded memory?
No! I haven’t had enough time with them! I can’t go now! Not yet! I’m not finished!
Right then, I stopped as anger exploded in my blood and boiled in my gut. I quickly wiped my tears. I held my son’s hand, making a promise that I hoped to god I could keep and knew in my heart that I would try with every ounce of faith I had.‘I will not leave you without a mother. I’m going to fight! Fuck you, cancer! I have too much to live for! You won’t take me down without a fight. Fuck you’!
My will to live was awakened….”